Remembering the 11 year old you

I was scrolling through a news app this morning, and came across an article reviewing Meghan (Duchess of Sussex's) new podcast on Spotify - Archetypes. I had seen this come up on my Spotify account when it was released last week and wondered if I would give time to listen to this new venture of hers. 

Now, I'm on the fence about having an opinion of Meghan and Harry, I am a fan of the British Monarchy, not just the current family but the Royals of the past as I am a mad history lover, so I do tend to follow, to the best of my abilities, what the Royal family gets up to and who is connected to who.
However, I find it hard to follow happenings through modern day media and news stories as it does come across one sided. Yes, they have their sources, but how do we as the readers really know that the source is actually telling the truth? Anyway, this is starting to guide my ponderings towards a much longer conversation that is not what todays thoughts are about.

Why did I start down that track of thinking? Ahh that's right, I was reading an article this morning on a local New Zealand news app reviewing the newly released podcast. The review had a negative spin to it. If I just took the opinion of the article author I would think Meghan had created a podcast to talk about herself and throw the Royal family under the bus - old news and boring!
I left the article half way through reading because I felt that I heard it all before, but also I felt that if I really wanted to have thoughts about this podcast, just maybe I should have a listen myself and make up my own mind.

If you have started reading this and are thinking; 'I have no idea what this is about, who is Meghan and Harry', do not fret yourself about it I have done a quick Wiki search for you right here:

Who the heck is Meghan and Harry?

You can hit up the google search and you'll get a whole list of news and media articles on them, just note they do tend to be negatively focused on the couple, however stay with me, I'm not writing about them today, I'm not even reviewing the podcast.
I want to share a simple thought that I think ties into our parenting, personal wellbeing and individual growth and yes this thought came out of the conversation Meghan was having with Serena Williams (I've linked info on her as well, just incase she is a stranger to your world.)

The two friends, who was so soothing to listen to by the way, were having a conversation around the "double standard woman face when they are labelled 'Ambitious'". This was an interesting conversation to listen to, but it was one of the points Meghan was making at the beginning of the conversation that sidetracked my mind.

Meghan shared a story about how her 11 year old self had felt a strong conviction against a TV commercial portraying that woman need some type of soap to do the dishes and how she had overheard some boys in her class echoing the same thoughts.
The fearless child then went on a mission to write to whoever would listen to her including the soap company about how this TV commercial had come across, her experience with these boys etc. The end result being that the soap company changed the wording of the commercial to be 'people' not 'woman' need this product.
This is my paraphrased version of her story. 

Meghan also shared a story with Serena, about a response given by an 11 year old Serena to a reporter in an interview when asked; which tennis player would she want to be like if she became a one? Serena's response was that she would want them to be like her.

They continued on talking about young girls being fearless and how that can change overtime which is about when my own brain started to have a conversation of its own.

What was the 11 year old me like? Was I fearless? Did I raise my hand? Was I confident with who I was? Yes, actually, I was. So what happened?

I have spent plenty of time remembering aspects of childhood some bad most good but I have not often stopped in my tracks and really reflected on who the 11 year old me was compared to todays version. All these memories came flooding back of moments where I stood tall, spoke proud, was confident in who I was, let things go, forgave easily and felt that I was going to do great and wonderful things in this life with no restraints.

Going through deep depression and high anxiety with my babies really knocked my confidence. Insecurities grew into mountains from tiny ant hills. Unsure of who I am and what I like, becoming so indecisive when once I could make a clear decision without any doubts holding me back. Fear of people not seeing me as a good person, unkind, and a failure has been a shadow that I still struggle to see a clear way out of.

What happened to the 11 year old me, is she still there? Does she still have a voice?

Something I have found is that my outlook on life can lean more towards the negative perspective. I tend to like to figure out why, why have things happened the way they have? Because if I can figure out why then I can fix it or change the path that's before me and make things better. However, I have learnt recently that although analyzing for growth has a place, sometimes being in acceptance that things are just because they are is important as well.

When I look at time in-between 11 year old me and now, life has happened. There are many reasons why that confident, fearless, questioning wee girl has taken a seat at the back. Some of those things will get dealt with over time, some are just needing to be accepted but maybe I can some how call that fearless child out again and allow her to break out the Viking warrior trapped inside.

Side note - I am recovering from Covid, the brain is super foggy, doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I have been spending a lot of time playing a new computer game with hubby called Valheim (linked that one there for you to.) I can read that as the creative flow is unfolding some of the imagery is connected to the game.

Serena shares in the podcast who she sees herself as now. What I love about this is that she isn't rattling off a list of who she wants to be at some point, this is a clear confident knowing of who she is now and what she brings to her world whether its to her career or her daughter. 

That's what has inspired me here. I'm a great one for lists, love them, have lists everywhere for everything. I am also a great one for writing a list about who I want to be but after writing this and pondering some more, I think its time to tear up that list. Its time to write a new list of who I am now, what flows out of me as a person, what do you get to experience when your with me.

I get so caught up in not wanting to hurt people, let people down, have I said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, could I do that better. I have no trust in myself anymore and allowing myself to be blown between peoples expectations of me which is a really hard place to live in as those expectations don't match up, people want and need different things. My own children want and need different things from me in the same moment.

We can forget who we are and loose confidence or trust in the person you are, to yourself and the world around you. As parents, we want to give our children the best possible life we can, we want them to be confident and we certainly don't want to screw them up. Our children follow our lead, they copy how we act and speak. Maybe now is the time to stop and ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. Who was the 11 year old you?
2. Who are you now?
3. What do people around you experience when they are with you?
4. Do you trust in who you are?

While writing this, I am aware of the possibility that your experience as an 11 year old was not a healthy one, so I understand if this write up isn't as relatable to my lens that I am looking at this through. Considering this, I feel that as you reflect back on those moments you can still answer these questions and come to a place of deciding who you are in yourself today that you are proud to live with and if any of us are not proud of who we are, or aspects of ourselves, we have a moment to stop and think about that.

These moments are opportunities for us to evolve, shift those aspects of our personality that we don't necessarily appreciate, encourage ourselves that we are doing the best we can. Not everyone is going to answer these questions from the same lens but that's the beauty of it, there is no wrong or right answer just the answer that works for you. If trying to answer these questions becomes difficult then that's when we can reach out to counsellors, therapists or trusted healthy and wise relationships, to help us discover the answers.

Its not up to others to tell you who to be, that's your responsibility, to tell others who you are, its up to others to accept you as you are warts and all. Its OK if who you are doesn't mesh with everyone, but can we respect each individual person and show some understanding and look to what we can receive from others as well as what we can give to them?

Can we do this for our children? Allow them to express who they are, share who they are, be confident in knowing who they are? Can we stand beside them encouraging those aspects, helping to guide and refine those qualities? Is it our job to tell them who we think they are or is it our job to help them discover and allow their individual place in the family? What do they contribute to the environment alongside you? How does your family go from individuals living together to becoming a team that works together? Can your children continue to inspire confidence and trust in yourself?

For me, I want to be free of fears, anxiety and intrusive thinking. I believe that if I can shift my perspective on some of these thoughts above in my own life from a negative setting to a positive setting, that some of my battles will be won. I know I want my children to experience a mother who trusts herself, is confident in who she is, shows kindness, thoughtfulness, acceptance, healthy improvement, holds boundaries, can let things go and a mother who encourages their own self-discovery in a safe and secure environment.

Maybe today, we start with a list of who we are already and just maybe through that process we realise that our 11 year old self isn't as far away as we think they are.

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