Take a break and be kind to yourself.

It's a beautiful day, hubby and I are meeting in his lunch break so we can shop for little miss's birthday present, feeling really proud about how we have saved for her present and excited for the upcoming events. 

Then I think about those events, there is this sick feeling in my stomach again, this feeling has been following me around all week. 

Every morning I've been feeling nauseous, I've been exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional, heightened anxiety. I even googled 'Can I get pregnant after a vasectomy', thinking that maybe this is what is going on. (As I discovered, 4 years on from that momentous event in hubby's life, it is highly unlikely for me to be pregnant). 

We are standing in the book isle and then it hits at full force, a panic attack, I'm struggling to breath, my stomach is turning, my thoughts a racing, I'm trying not to cry, barely able to tell my husband what is going on. Outwardly I look fine, internally there is a complete nuclear meltdown.

This event has been building over the week, all these signs I have been seeing have been showing me that it was coming. So, I breath, in the nose, out the mouth. Then I talk, I tell hubby that I'm having a panic attack, I'm worried about this and that, I'm worrying about everything. Every insecurity that I have battled has returned, its voice in my inner thinking trying to pull me down. Hubby says that everything is OK, everything is organised. 

We get our things, and we leave.

It has been a long time since I have been in this place. Yes, I deal with anxiety levels fluctuating on a daily basis and it usually sits at a pretty manageable level, getting easier as each year passes. But this state of being that I am in now, has not been with me for a good few years. I said to my husband "I just want peace, I want to be at peace, I don't want to worry anymore, how do I be peaceful?"

I love how life unfolds sometimes, after returning my husband to work, I went home to meet up with a beautiful friend of mine. We got to chatting about how the last few weeks had been and realised we had both been experiencing the same thing. Both got to a breaking point and needing to adjust the way we were outworking our worlds.

The main themes I noticed were, the amount of pressure and expectations we put upon ourselves and how little fun we had allowed to be present. 

When I start getting into a busy season, I get task focused, I always forget to book in time for me to laugh, have fun, and release pressure. This time of year is chaotic (for me anyway) there are work pressures, school events, tired children, children going through endless phases, family birthdays, end of year preparations and the list goes on. This is life. We have responsibilities. I think I get into trouble when I start to blur what is my responsibilities and what is others. I carry an expectation that everything needs to be good, everyone needs to be OK and will try to solve every problem just to make the world the best place possible for everyone in it.

Phew, even writing this out I can see what I was so stressed. My body was trying to tell me, I wasn't listening, well I was, I was listening to expectations and responsibilities that weren't realistic incase the invisible person was going to tell me off. My friend that I was chatting to said, "The invisible person is us, something we have made because of the expectations we have set."

So, now I sit writing my experiences and thoughts out with the hope it may help and encourage someone else. 

Today is a new day, how do I shift and move out of this space I find myself in. I don't currently have the energy right now to battle the thoughts of my mind, to challenge my expectations and insecurities. However, I do have a plan:

1. Stop several times through the day to check in with myself (advice from another great friend). I could put a reminder on my phone to do this or be mindful in the small breaks in the day to take a minute. When I stop, I like to stand, close my eyes, notice my feet and how they are standing, take some deep breaths and focus on releasing the tension from my shoulders, neck and jaw, as this is where I hold stress, and ask myself "How am I doing right now in this moment" From there I can decide how I need to continue, what my needs may be.
2. Have fun. I need to book time with the people I know I can laugh with, not talk about work, challenges or troubles, but just laugh, burn some energy and have fun. I can make my life serious very quickly and forget that I am meant to be enjoying life.
3. Shift my self-talk. Positive, kind and gracious self-talk is what I need to be giving to myself. I like to think 'what would I say to a friend in this space' and then say those things to myself. Encourage myself and remind myself I am doing a great job.

The pressure we put on ourselves most of the time is really not helpful, I think this is a conversation that we need to be having often with the wisdom of others around us. It is very easy to find ourselves in a space of stress, anxiety, panic, and wonder 'how did I get to this place'. I have decided that for now it is better to accept this is the space I am in, rather that trying to figure out how to change it and not fixate on why this has happened so much. I could be wrong in this thinking, I just know that for me, trying to figure out the problem, or why this has happened has hindered my ability to rest, refresh and heal more than when I accept this is where I am and deciding how to move forward. I believe that in a few weeks' time, after some much-needed mental self-care, I will reflect and debrief with hubby and be able to see clearer with hindsight as to what was going on.

I hope these thoughts have been helpful for you, and if you're reading this and this story resonates, but you're not sure how to move forward than reach out to those you trust, open up about how you are doing, talk to some professionals, or send me an email. There is a world of people around you wanting to love and support, you don't need to pull any socks up, eat any cement or truck on by yourself, take a break and be kind to yourself.